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Comparisons

Kristen Bradley — Tue, 14 May 2013 22:03:40 +0000

“When you’re used to the raw power of Iggy and the Stooges, everything else sounds kind of precious by comparison.”—Juno explaining why your mixtape is lame

This week, we examine how to create comparative and superlative forms of adjectives. Let’s get started by laying out some syllable-based guidelines.

One-syllable adjectives

Making comparisons out of these is a relatively simple affair: just add -er or -est.

Everybody knows anchovies are gross.

Little Billy can’t decide if anchovies are grosser than pickled onions.

It turns out that vegemite is actually the grossest.

Two-syllable adjectives

Now things get tricky. There is no clear rule for creating comparisons with two-syllable adjectives, but you can stick with the following general guidelines.

For many two-syllable adjectives, just place “more” or “most” in front.

The pig enjoyed a pleasant nap.

The pig’s nap would have been more pleasant without a baby goat jumping on his kidneys.

That was not the most pleasant nap for the pig.

However, if the adjective ends in -y, –er, -le, or –ow, place an -er or -est onto the end.

The happy goat had never been happier than in his happiest moment when he gave the pig renal failure.

Unfortunately, there are exceptions to these two rules, and sometimes more than one form of a comparative adjective is acceptable. For example, stupid becomes stupider/stupidest or more/most stupid. When in doubt, just grab a dictionary.

Three-syllable adjectives

With adjectives comprised of three or more syllables, comparisons become simple once again: Just put “more” or “most” right in front of the adjective.

One Direction’s music is abhorrent.

Their hairstyles are even more abhorrent.

The fact that boy bands will never, ever go away is the most abhorrent.

Irregular adjectives

Of course, irregular adjectives throw a wrench into everything. Good doesn’t become gooder or goodest; we use better or best. Luckily for us, the roster of irregular adjectives is relatively short: just words like bad, far, little, many, and well.

Hyphens

Ryan Henke — Tue, 07 May 2013 15:53:58 +0000

“Marcie Dahlgren-Frost. Dahlgren is my maiden name, Frost is my married name. I’m single again, but I never bothered to remove the Frost. And I get compliments on the hyphen.”—C’mon, who doesn’t love “Uncle Buck”?

This week’s topic is how to use hyphens.

Contrary to popular belief, hyphens aren’t just for the last names of people who went to a liberal arts college (well … and Pocket Hercules). These dashing punctuation marks serve a very useful function: They join words together to form combined meanings. Despite its glorious utility, the hyphen also brings along some complicated rules for usage. To improve our comprehension of this constructive connector, let’s review some of the most common uses of the hyphen.

1) Compound modifiers

A compound modifier is comprised of two or more words that express a single concept to modify a noun. When such a modifier comes before the noun, use a hyphen to connect all the words within the compound except the adverb very and any adverbs that end with -ly. If the compound modifier comes after the noun, usually no hyphen is needed.

Billy eats chocolate-covered boogers.
He swears the best boogers are chocolate covered.

2) Ambiguity

A hyphen can clear up awkward letter combinations or ambiguity that might occur in its absence. This function can override previous rule: If a compound modifier comes after the noun and a hyphen can clear up ambiguity, then put the hyphen in.

A pre-emptive snack [instead of preemptive]
The police dislike criminals who are both hungry and quick-thinking.

3) Fractions and compound numbers

Henry spent fifty-three dollars at the local carnival.

4) Suspensive hyphenation

This is easier than it sounds: When you have more than one compound modifier, and each shares a common element, use hyphens in each modifier.

Nothing speaks to seventy- and eighty-year-old diabetics quite like odious dance-pop music with stupefyingly insulting lyrics. (“ACCU-CHEK Nano, you light up the daaay-ee!”)

Sentence Fragments

Ryan Henke — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 14:46:43 +0000

“‘Sentence fragment’ is also a sentence fragment.”—Lisa Simpson, with a pithy, incisive lesson on fragmentation

This week we discuss sentence fragments.

Sentence fragments are just incomplete sentences. In their most basic form, sentences require at least a subject and a verb: Generally, you’re talking about something doing something. If you’re missing either these of two elements, you’ve got yourself a fragment. Consider these two examples:

The man with artistic genius and formidable pecs.

Problem: It’s missing a verb

The man with artistic genius and formidable pecs sang a stirring ode to his favorite team.

Vomited upon seeing Rick Pitino’s tattoo.

Problem: It’s missing a subject.

The entire world vomited upon seeing Rick Pitino’s tattoo.

Despite their simple definition, fragments can be sneaky little buggers. Keep in mind an important point: Sentence fragment don’t always have to be short. In fact, they frequently result when a writer constructs a complex sentence and leaves a piece stranded from the main clause. With cases like these, you often need to fix a problem with a misplaced period. Check out these two fragment situations:

I absolutely adore country music. Because two simpletons can, over the course of three glorious minutes, manage to solve a Gordian knot of sociocultural problems.

Problem: We have a stranded dependent clause.

I absolutely adore country music because two simpletons can, over the course of three glorious minutes, manage to solve a Gordian knot of sociocultural problems.

Even this complex sentence, which consists of more than one clause, including this one that contains a subject and verb, which might be getting confusing.

Problem: The main clause has no verb.

Even this complex sentence, which consists of more than one clause, including this one that contains a subject and verb, which might be getting confusing, needs a verb to create a complete sentence.

Now you can avoid sentence fragments completely. See what I did there?

Run-on Sentences

Ryan Henke — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 18:49:02 +0000

“Always remember, your bones will not break in a bobsled. No, no, no. They shatter.”—words of wisdom, which everyone can use in life, from the Oscar-worthy “Cool Runnings”

This week, we discuss run-on sentences.

Most people have all sorts of misconceptions, misunderstandings, and misapprehensions about the world. Some people think you can’t shoot yourself in the face with a harpoon, walk around for ten hours (so you can “relax and let the wound heal”), and then go to the hospital. Others believe it’s impossible to live in the brutal wilderness of Maine for almost 30 years, living off nothing but the food you steal from unsuspecting rubes—kind of like Aladdin, if he looked like a pedophile, snatching fruit at the bazaar with his bro Abu.

Likewise, many writers consider run-on sentences to be sentences that are merely too long. But the fact of the matter is that a run-on sentence is simply a compound sentence that lacks the proper punctuation. Run-ons can be any length: They just need a punctuation touch-up. For example, depending on the structure of a sentence and what literary effect you desire, a run-on sentence can be fixed with another comma (or fewer commas), a semicolon, or perhaps just a period.

Consider the following run-on sentences, which are followed with two correct versions:

Ex) I asked Jeff what his favorite band is and he said A Perfect Circle.

I asked Jeff what his favorite band is, and he said A Perfect Circle.
I asked Jeff what his favorite band is; he said A Perfect Circle.

Ex) Some people are born with the photogenic je ne sais quoi it takes to be a model some are not.

Some people are born with the photogenic je ne sais quoi it takes to be a model, but some are not.
Some people are born with the photogenic je ne sais quoi it takes to be a model. Some are not.

Now I’ve run on past my word count. Gotta go.

Semicolons

Ryan Henke — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 13:32:14 +0000

“Your papers all suck, Margaret … shallow insights, stupid citations, and you persist in using semicolons where commas would suffice!”—a writing lesson mixed with motivational speaking in “Four Dead Batteries”

This week, we examine the semicolon.

Along with the colon, the semicolon is one of the most frequently misunderstood punctuation marks. It’s kind of like a washcloth: We all know there’s one lying around, but we never really think we need to use it—so we just scrub our nether regions with our hands. Well, no more. Today we shake the dust out of that rag and start doing things the right way.

The basic function of the semicolon is to separate ideas that are related to each other. It indicates a greater separation that a comma conveys but less than the separation indicated by a period. Semicolons have three common uses:

They separate items in a list when the items are long or have some punctuation within them. In cases like these, it’s often best to separate the list into complete sentences—unless you’re going for a particular literary effect.

Little Billy’s

Semicolons link two independent clauses when each lacks a coordinating conjunction like and, but, or for. If you do have a coordinating conjunction, use a semicolon only if extensive punctuation is present in one of the clauses (as in the previous example).

give him a little walking-around money

Use semicolons when linking two independent clauses with a conjunctive adverb like however, furthermore, or therefore.

find creative ways

Now you’re a semi-pro with semicolons.

Verbal Abuse: Matriculate

Ryan Henke — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 14:23:07 +0000

“There had been abuse in my family, but it was mostly musical in nature.”—Terry Bohner, right before things get a little weird.

This week, we debut a new feature called “Verbal Abuse” designed to stop the rampant misuse of certain words.

Language is fluid, and words often change their meanings. In fact, the field of linguistics has catalogued at least 20 processes through which semantic change occurs. Such changes don’t happen overnight: They result from years, sometimes centuries, of slow transformation, as more and more people use an old word in new ways. In the sixteenth century, for example, bully meant “good fellow”—a label we’d apply to someone quite different today.

Just because people can change the meanings of words, however, doesn’t mean they always should. As with disturbing trends in animal haberdashery, some things just need a swift and decisive termination. Let’s start doing our part to end verbal abuse, beginning with the word matriculate.

Matriculate has a very specific and constrained set of meanings:

Verb: To enroll in or to accept a student at a college or university
Noun: a person who has matriculated.

Anyone who watches professional sports on TV knows what it’s like to listen to former athletes and coaches wield mind-numbing platitudes and obvious observations like nunchucks in a Food Lion parking lot. They also enjoy mangling the English lexicon, making most intelligent viewers want to go brush their teeth with arsenic paste. In particular, football commentators love to talk about quarterbacks “matriculating the ball down the field.” Although some people might marvel at this polysyllabic panache, matriculating has absolutely nothing to do with throwing a football.

The television jockocracy is not alone in its abuse of matriculate: I have repeatedly overheard people say things like, “Let’s get some thoughts matriculating.” Sorry, peeps, I think you mean percolating.

Please, help stop verbal abuse. Spread semantic awareness, and we can save matriculate together.

Using colons

Ryan Henke — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 22:29:32 +0000

“I can clean out your colon faster than one of those burritos with extra guacamole sauce!”—Damon Wayans, rivalling Shakespearean prose, as Major Payne

This week, we explain how to use colons.

Along with commas, colons stand among the most commonly misused punctuation marks. Well, get ready: It’s time to snap on our latex gloves, reach deep into the slimy, obsidian recesses of ignorance, and scrape out the polyps of misinformation. Take a breath and relax, because here it comes … but don’t worry, mastering the colon is easier than it sounds.

Basic rules

We’ll start exploring colons by laying out two simple guidelines. First, use a colon only after a complete sentence—never after a fragment. Second, capitalize the first word after a colon only if it is a proper noun or the start of another complete sentence.

Ex) While sane people vomit in horror, Eva Longoria foams at the mouth over her favorite potato chip flavors: chicken and waffles, Sriracha, and cheesy garlic bread.
Ex) Eva is a mendacious mountebank: She doesn’t eat potato chips.

Common uses

Following those simple rules, colons have four common uses:

Introducing lists, tabulations, etc.

backyard recreation equipment

Providing emphasis

Waldo

Marking dialogue, including question-and-answer interviews

A: The guy who looks like that frog from Cameroon!

Introducing long quotations:

Ex) The blogger explained: “Because I get paid by the word, my editor doesn’t like when I just write a bunch of crap to add to the word count in a post. In fact, we’ve had several conversations about my blatant attempts to cash in. She said I’d get fired if I keep doing it.”

Now you’ve got clean and clear comprehension of colons. That wasn’t so bad now, was it?

Passive Voice

Ryan Henke — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 14:31:03 +0000

“You know, this is the ’80s, Mr. Miyagi. You can’t be so damn passive!”—Ralph Macchio, with words of advice that transcend a mere decade.

This week, the passive voice is explored by us.

Nobody likes passivity, right? Just take a look around. Our movies celebrate the bellicose brute over the mousy milquetoast. We use “loser” as a derogatory term. We turn “victims” into “survivors” because, darn it, nobody goes down without a fight here. Everyday is a Royal Rumble, and the passive person gets tossed right over the top rope. In the esprit de corps of our active world, writers should also avoid passive voice in favor of active voice.

Active Voice

Active voice is pretty straightforward: The subject of the sentence performs the action expressed by the verb. Consider the following examples.

Ex) Christopher Robinson poses with his underwhelming collection of twenty-dollar bills.
Ex) Grumpy ol’ Clarence decided to teach his upstart coworker a lesson.
Ex) Anchorage police will arrest Hostgator Dotcom’s tattoo artist.

Passive Voice

Passive voice does a switcheroo: The object of the verb moves to the subject position. Since the subject and object change places, the object becomes the focus of the sentence. The easiest way to identify passive voice is to examine the subject of the sentence. If it isn’t performing the action, you might have a passive construction. Other clues include the presence of “be” verbs or the word “by.” We see these indicators in the following passive sentences.

Ex) Child support does not get paid by Christopher.
Ex) The computer was thrown by Clarence.
Ex) Facial tattoos will have to be removed by frickin’ laser beams.

Be Active

Staying active isn’t just for Shaun T aficionados. As the “AP Stylebook” explains, writers should stick with active voice as much as possible. Although passive voice does not necessarily constitute a capital creative crime, it lacks the robust verbal pizzazz of active sentences.

Now the active voice can be used properly by you.

Double Negatives

Ryan Henke — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 13:58:27 +0000

“Negative, Ghost Rider, the pattern is full.”—Air traffic control, foolishly trying to keep Maverick from doing his thing

This week, we don’t not discuss double negatives.

We’ve all said things we didn’t mean to say. Remember the time you told your significant other that you miss the sweet, sultry embrace of your ex? What about when you blurted to your mother that her cooking tastes like a sebaceous cyst? Don’t forget that awkward moment when you thoughtlessly said during a job interview that you own “Baby Geniuses” on Blu-ray.

It’s OK—you’re not alone. Each one of us has put a crusty foot into an unwitting mouth. In this world of garish gaffes and blubbering blunders, double negatives are often the best way to say exactly what you don’t mean to say.

Double negatives involve two negatives in one sentence. The resultant problem boils down to mathematical logic: two negatives make a positive. When you negate something twice, you don’t negate it at all. Sometimes you can use double negatives to convey an intended meaning, but you need to be very careful. Consider the following examples:

Ex) We don’t need Dennis Rodman doing no diplomacy in the Hermit Kingdom.

[Sounds like we actually do need Dennis doing some diplomacy.]

Ex) Netflix-loving Myron doesn’t want nothing, since he got a year of free DVD service.

[It says Myron does indeed want something.]

Ex) The Japanese legislator won’t not wear his sweet Mexican wrestling mask to work.

[This double negative makes sense, because he won’t stop wearing the mask]

Finally, it’s also important to know that double negatives don’t always entail the use of words like “no” or “not.” For example, adverbs like “scarcely” and “hardly” are already negative—so adding another negative usually doesn’t make sense. As much as it pains me to admit, the Replacements committed this mistake with the lovely song “Can’t Hardly Wait.”

In the end, it’s best to avoid double negatives altogether, unless you don’t want people having no problems interpreting your writing.

Subject-Verb Agreement

Ryan Henke — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 14:20:45 +0000

“Marge, we had an agreement. Your sisters don’t come here after six, and I stop eating your lipstick.”—Homer driving a hard bargain, as always

This week, we explain subject-verb agreement.

Subjects and verbs go together like morons and Mountain Dew—and agreement means matching a given subject to the right form of a verb. In English, this process is simple: Singular subjects get singular verbs, and plural subjects get plural verbs.

Ex) Chantal makes me want to brush my teeth with cyanide toothpaste.
Ex) Her rats make me want to brush my teeth with cyanide toothpaste.

Compared to other languages, we get off easy. In Spanish present tense, verbs usually take six different forms, depending on the subject. For example, vomitar can become vomito, vomitas, vomita, vomitamos, vomitáis, or vomitan. Hungarian, the native tongue of the greatest female serial killer of all time, takes agreement to another level: verbs have to match with both subjects and objects.

Although we’re lucky to avoid that kind of hassle, writers still need to be careful in making sure their subjects and verbs agree. Consider the following tricky situations:

Compound subjects: If nouns are connected by “and,” use the plural verb.
Collective nouns: Because they indicate a single unit, use singular verbs. Examples of collective nouns include class, crowd, group, and team.
Pronouns: words like each, either, neither, everyone, anybody, nobody, someone, and such are singular and require a singular verb.
There: When using “there is” or “there are,” make sure the verb agrees with the subject following the verb.
Phrases between the subject and verb: Stay focused on the subject, not the information around it, and match the verb appropriately.

So … do we agree to agree?